Clowns are MORE Evil

Somewhere in 1981, my world went silent. I was 5 years old when my Granny asked if I'd like to go to the Ringling Brothers & Barnum and Bailey Circus that would soon be coming to Louisville. Exact location is sketchy since I wasn't driving at the time. Could have been the Gardens or even Freedom Hall. Does it matter?!!?
Anyway, I of course agreed this would be a spectacular idea. I was even given the option of bringing my bestest He-Man/Skeletor friend, Adam with me. Now the party was on!
I remember us wearing Disney flip flops: Adam wore yellow with a giant plastic Donald Duck head on top, while I skipped around in red with Mickey Mouse. We were two VERY happy little kiddos as we were about to see THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH!

Walking in, I was a bit overwhelmed to see the assortment of things I had never witnessed with my 5 year old eyes. A tent you could house a small town inside, people eating various foods not available in any drive-thru, and animals I didn't recall seeing at the zoo. It truly was the most incredible site.
I remember smelling INSANELY delicious smells that had to have been a mixture of cotton candy, popcorn, corn dogs, elephant ears, funnel cakes, and treats that would have sent me into convulsions. Despite what happens when you give children sugar, Granny had no reservations about placing a large pillow of cotton candy in our hands. I got pink, he got blue. After having a couple handfuls of our own, we decided to trade due to food envy.
But just as I was overcome with a sensation of what Heaven MUST taste and smell like, we walked into the Big Top. It was musty and the smell was that of the zoo on a hot day. You know what I'm talking about, so I'll spare us all the details.
My Granny instructed us to hold hands and stay close to her as we were led to our seats. We were taken to a bench area about 3 rows up in the stands from the center ring. She did good on the seats... really good. Mine and Adam's eyes were wider than Oprah's dinner plate on Thanksgiving. The things we were able to see and imagine about what would be happening soon... The trapeze cables, the huge cage ball thing that resembled a giant cat toy, the large net they must use to catch whales, and the people! My god, the amount of people in one place at one time! Who were they? Were they all here for the same reason as us!? Wow...
Just as I was taking in the scenery, ready for whatever was about to happen as the lights were beginning to dim, the crowd began to cheer with such excitement I had a difficult time understanding from where it originated. Just then, spotlights began swiveling across the floor and around the audience. They fixated on specific areas around the building and Adam quickly realized why: "CLOWNS!!! YAY! CLOWNS!!" I had never seen him so riled up. It was like He-Man himself had walked in and held his sword into the air.
I remember continuing to take small pieces of my cotton candy off the top and delicately eating it as I watched the clowns run amok throughout the crowd, making the kiddos laugh, creating what I suppose were Dachshunds out of balloons, and generally annoying the hell out of everyone. (Today, I realize it was mostly the cocaine-laced white face paint that had them bouncing around like Sponge Bob on acid.)

Suddenly, as Granny and Adam sat next to me, the spotlight shifted to a location very near ME. I saw the circle on the ground in front of me, but thought maybe the clowns were just going somewhere else.
Nope.
Without warning, I was being yelled at by the most scary of all those bastards in the building. He had that weird yellow balding hair ... You know, the kind where the top is gone, but the sides are long all the way around. He got RIGHT IN MY FACE and proceeded to yell random question-like words to me, completely violating my personal space, and eventually grabbing my cotton candy from my tiny hands, laughing at me, then running away.
Yes. The Motherfucker took my cotton candy.
So there I was, left to sit there in near darkness in shock and panic after a practical assault and robbery. After crying for a few minutes, the lights came on and the show began. Adam shared what was left of the pink cotton candy with me and I was able to recover enough to enjoy the rest of the evening.
Until....
Laying in bed that night and trying to go to sleep, all I could see was that asshole's face and hair swaying in slow motion as he asked me things I couldn't make out over his stupid high-pitched and over-played clown voice. I'm pretty sure my Mommy had to come in and stay with me that night.
Over a course of about 2 weeks after that night, I had nightmares that "he" was under my bed and waiting to steal my toys and stuffed animals. This of course turned into me having to have ALL of my toys sleep in the bed with me. I had to protect them. They were in great danger and needed me. And as long as they were all touching each other, we were bonded and he couldn't take them.

After that, I was never able to:
1.) Go to a McDonald's that had a Ronald McDonald statue at the drive-thru or near the front door.
2.) Watch Bozo the Clown
3.) Crank the handle on my Jack-n-the-Box.
4.) Watch specific scenes in movies such as Uncle Buck, Problem Child, Billy Madison, etc.
5.) Go to certain Wrestling events featuring those assbags, ICP.
6.) Look at images on books, posters, websites, childrens' room decor, or even stuffed clown toys.

When ANY of the above happens, I usually get immediately sick to my stomach and want to vomit on whatever it is I've just witnessed in the same manner as Kyle from South Park. Halloween is extremely difficult in some respects, as you can imagine. Between the clowns and the chainsaw guy, I will both wet my pants AND vomit on you... if I'm not in the corner sucking on my thumb in the fetal position.

Now that I'm older and more mature and aware, I'm convinced these people are evil pedophiles and should be dragged out into the street and shot on site. There's no real valuable reason to a clown's existence.

There. Now you know.