In just under 3 days, I'll walk in the doors of the Melbourne Outpatient Surgical Center breathing in the last breaths of air as the woman I am today. I'll get called into a room where I'll be asked to change into an over-washed piece of cotton that "ties in the back," be asked to put my belongings into a locker and take the key with me into the room where I'll crawl onto a cold, hard "bed." I'll wonder if they noticed I went against their instructions and gave my eyelashes a gentle coat of mascara and decided to buy cherry chapstick at the last second Tuesday night. Several strangers will surround me, asking me mediocre questions like "Ya feelin ok? You ready for this? Did you remove your nail polish from your toes? No body piercings? All jewelry is off? Are you cold?" ... Then the questions will turn into directions... "Ok, Angela, I need you to just sign here, initial here, and sign here..This form is for us..it says you are allowing us to do the procedure today and that you are doing so willingly... This form says we are not responsible if your heart sucks ass and stops mid-way and you die. Ok, now give me your arm, relax, you're gonna feel a pinch, and then you'll feel a little shot of cold as the medicine goes into your vein, ok?" They'll proceed to cover my chest and belly with cold, round discs attached to electrodes to monitor my vitals. I will want to remove the stylish blue elastic paper cap that covers my hair, but will be told to "keep that on, please, Angela." This will remind me that I left my phone in my locker because I'll want to take a quick snapshot for you guys at home. I'll tell them I forgot to take off my vagina piercing... I don't have one, but I figure if I say that, they'll let me back to my locker no questions asked. Pretty soon, anxiety will set in as the reality of what is about to happen finally hits home and I start wondering if I'm doing the right thing... if this is really necessary... will I care that I don't look "like a woman" anymore? Will my daughter have to go through this some day? Will I live through the procedure? What if I don't? Did I turn off my hair straightner? Did I feed the cat and give him fresh water before I left this morning?" - And soon, as the medicine begins to take effect, those very normal, natural questions will turn into those of non-reality based ones like, "What if my doctor and nurses sexually abuse me while I'm under? How will I ever know? Are there cameras filming this? Should I have hired a camera crew? Is it too late to call them? Is it normal that I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round? Why does my doctor look like Doogie Howser? Isn't it funny that there used to be a show about a kid doctor named Doogie HOWSER and now there's a show about a doctor who acts like a kid and his name is HOUSE? Coincidence? Maybe I should be writing this down in case I have some streak of genius and I forget it...cuz this is funny shit! What if I don't even have cancer... what if when he did the lumpectomy 2 years ago, he planted something inside there, like one of those little pills that you put in hot water and it dissolves and a dinosaur-shaped sponge erupts from it! It's all a conspiracy! What if this is some weird alien experiment? I think they should have done a sequel to E.T. They would have had to leave Drew Barrymore out of it, though, cuz mixing drugs with aliens is wrong. Speaking of drugs, this shit is pretty good...Funny how Angelina Jolie got her tatas chopped off right before me. I think it's weird that she goes by "Angie", too. Did she really have sex with her brother? I like Billy Bob Thornton. Bad Santa was fucking hilarious...lol... little black dude.. was he the same guy that was the limo driver in Me, Myself, and Irene? Man, these drugs are killer... I wonder if I ask them to "keep 'em coming" will they? Who decorated this place? Are they serious? Cream-colored frames with a peach matte? And why so many paintings of the beach? Am I in Boca? I wanna see blacklight posters and watch Super Troopers! Man, syrup sounds good right now. I'll be glad when I can eat....Where are my legs? I see them, I think...but I don't really feel......."
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"Angela? Can you hear me? How are you feeling? You're in the recover room, now... just relax. If you feel sick, let me know so I can help you to the restroom to your left, ok? You'll be here for a few more minutes until you're able to stand and walk. If you aren't ready, you can stay here until you are. You did great, Angela. The surgery went smoothly. Doctor Talbert will see you in a bit and talk to you about everything, ok?"
And that's pretty much all I will get until he does talk to me.... He'll tell me about how big the incision is, how much he had to take, what it looked like "in there," and what I can expect from this point on. I'll shake my head, wince in pain, ask about pain medication, ask if I'm ok to attend Comedy Night at work that night...he'll say no, I'll be bummed about it., but I won't argue with him for the sheer fact that arguing makes me tense, and tension leads to muscle strain, which leads to me feeling pain... I'll go to Walgreens, get my "goods," go to McDonalds, go home, and flip through the channels. I"ll try to remember to call my mom who will be worried sick all day until she hears my voice... Then I'll pass out. I'll get on FB at some point, barely able to type, give some random details about the day, tell you all how much I love you, demand pie, then go back to bed.
So yeah...until I have that talk with my doc at the end of it all, this is all I know for sure... ;)
