Breast Feeding is for Yuppies

Breast Feeding is for Yuppies

Leaky boobs, breast pads that resemble soup can lids, bras that don’t fit, ridiculous creams, squishing, sagging. I don’t have to make you read the rest for you to understand I was NOT happy about this one. Did I really have to? Really? I mean, isn’t breast-feeding a little out-dated? It’s more of an animal thing, right? We humans have evolved! We shouldn’t have to resort to these measures when caring for our young! Dogs, monkeys, lions… I expect THEM to breastfeed. But us? Come on! There’s a multi-billion dollar business out there spawned from just this topic! It’s called FORMULA!

If you had asked me 2 days before having my daughter, I still would have told you that I would never let another human being gnaw on my perfect, firm, and perky boobies. Some save that for their partners, but we’ll go there in another book. Today, let’s keep it simple. I used to think that breast-feeding was just another scam or trend set by doctors, aimed at rich and gullible women. Part of me still believes this, but I’ll humor it anyway. I never EVER considered myself rich or gullible, but nevertheless, I give some things a chance when I feel it MIGHT be for the good of myself or someone I care about. This was just such an opportunity.

Everything you read or hear about breastfeeding is true. Everything from the things you read from the die-hards who practically pray to their breast milk, to the horror stories you get from the unsuccessful. It’s all true. I can give an honest opinion from both sides if you’ll let me.

Pros –

You have a reason to shut the door when your in-laws are around.

Your boobs get the kind of attention you dreamed of… you know – the kind Pamela Anderson gets. It’s good stuff, ladies. Good stuff.

Oh, and… something about it being the best thing for your baby.

Cons –

Your in-laws walk in anyway and now you’ll always share that moment.

Your boobs get the kind of attention you had nightmares about… you know – the one where your boobs leak, turning your shirt into a wet, creepy, happy face. It’s awful stuff ladies. Awful.

If you work, you have to carry that case around. And yes, we all know what it is. You can TRY to disguise it in that pretty paisley quilted bag, but we still know.

You can’t drink. Enough said about that.

Oh and let’s not forget my favorite: Your baby uses you like a chew toy! My nipples bled and stayed chapped for 3 months!

And what about all the women who give you dirty looks if you choose NOT to breastfeed your child. Wow. Who needs that kind of pressure? You just had a freaking human being come out of your blow hole and now you’re expected to keep it alive and care for it! Isn’t that enough to worry about without having to answer to some bitch giving you hell for not breastfeeding!?! HEY LADY! MIND YOUR OWN FREAKING BUSINESS!

It’s probably that same lady who throws a fit if she can’t whip it out in public, too. I’m sorry if what I say offends you, but here’s an idea for those women: PACK SOME BREAST MILK IN YOUR BAG BEFORE LEAVING YOUR HOUSE! It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to tell you that you can store and prepare milk ahead of time to be used later. And if not, then bring formula.

I’m sorry… but as devoted and loving as I am, I cannot understand why ANYONE would think it’s appropriate to expose yourself in front of others, all in the name of nourishing your child. If I were to do that on any given day, I would be arrested for indecent exposure or I’d have a black bar over my picture on the cover of an R-rated DVD. If a man does that in public, he has to go to jail and let people know where he’s living afterwards. When my daughter is a little older and we go out to eat, the last thing I want is her getting an eyeful from the lady in the booth next to us. No one needs to see that, especially when they’re about to eat dinner. People like that have no respect for others and are selfish for making their child depend soley on that one chance of food. What if something happens and you’re unable to produce milk that instant? Does your baby starve? Now you’re just neglectful! Why didn’t you bring formula or a bottle of breast milk?

Anyway… I’m sure I stirred up a whole bunch of you, but again… These are my opinions. Meant to entertain, not to bring on lawsuits.